"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
Andy Rooney
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller
"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."
Paul Beatty
"In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out."
Joey Adams
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
Rodney Dangerfield
"When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason."
Molly McGee
"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
Mickey Rooney
"Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living."
P. J. ORourke
"Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary."
Robert Louis Stevenson
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
Ronald Reagan
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."
Dorothy Parker
"Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."
Rita Rudner
"Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn."
Madonna
"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others."
Henry Youngman
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
W.C. Fields
"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."
Muhammad Ali
"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job."
Slappy White
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."
Robert Benchley