1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
3. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
6. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
7. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
8. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
9. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
10. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
11. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
12. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
13. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
14. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
15. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
16. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
17. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
18. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
19. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
20. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Oh by the way I added a new smilie!